Nocturnal Vision
by Nuclear Burp
Summary: The hidden thoughts, desires and teething troubles for our favorite sitar swingin' Nobody, you think they'd be weird? Crazy? You ain't too far off. And now Xemnas has 'em in his Zebrafied hands!
1. A Truckload of what?

G'day, those who know me, know me well.

Those who don't, well...

Read on, kindly.

* * *

Xemnas floated through the twilight realm of 'The storeroom that you can never find', his calm face matching his cold, distant thoughts as he nodded at a passing Dancer nobody. He turned, waved the door open, set to work. Once again, the hot-water piping had burst in Castle Oblivion and replacements were required. Who did he count upon to fix such inconsequential matters? His subordinates. 

Where were his subordinates? Hanging out laundry (All black cloaks, with one that had somehow, in some unimaginable way, been mixed with number 12's underwear and had come out a shocking hot pink…), on patrol, comms, cooking, flower arranging, Solitare, ballroom dancing and Sitar tuning…

At least, they said that was what they had to do the minute he announced yet another leak.

He held up a long, rusted piece of tubing, muttering under his breath. "Who, me? Ya' know, Superior, I'm not really into menial work, yeah? If I'd brung a resume, that's what it would say, 'Can't do shit with stuff and junk'! You'd definitely be sending the wrong guy!" He said all this in a high falsetto, his forehead beginning to redden in frustration.

_Damn_ that number nine! This was exactly his calling, water was his chosen element, yet he couldn't patch a seam to save whatever remained of his life! If only he could find a weakness, some sort of trigger, a switch, a final tug to bring the insolent musician to heel! He continued to rummage in the huge warehouse, eventually, everything turned up here.

_Reporting. No sign. Continuing. All allegiance._ A voice sounded in his head, emotionless and completely devoid of personality. A sorcerer nobody.

He smiled, the-

He paused, his eye caught by a strange glow surrounding what appeared to be a…

… A font?

The highest of Nobodies drifted to the basin, watching the swirling contents, opaque and almost silver in their movements. The sight reminded him of the dusks, and thus he was comforted.

He looked to the side, a tag had been crudely tied around the indention, marked with an 'IX' and coloured aquamarine to indicate that the item had been claimed as a personal belonging.

Attached to this was a small piece of paper, folded up and stuffed in a crevasse on the side. Xemnas picked it up and read, intrigued.

_Congratulations, we at Hell-Hammer supplies wish to applaud your wonderful purchase, you (Demyx), have ordered the (Pensieve) and arranged the point of acquisition at (Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry) and the price of (1500 munny) as indicated in invoice (387420489) to be paid upon delivery in (Get me out of here), located in (The big, boring castle that defies both Gravity and Fashion sense, look for the big heart-shaped moon and the two guys wearing dresses that yap to it all frickin' night). We hope you enjoy your purchase. (Go to hell)_

_To use, simply hold your wand (Or stick) to your forehead, think hard about the memory or thought that you wish to extract (Hell-Hammer would like to point out that this brand of pensieve was especially designed to decrease the chance of permanent loss of brain function by 50 percent, all rights reserved) and hold out the globe that forms to the basin. When you wish to re-enact a thought or memory, simply speak the keyword and hold your head to the basin. It will detect your wish to cease automatically._

Below that, the names of the Organization had been hastily scribbled in blue pen, with a love-heart painstakingly drawn next to Namine's name.

Xemnas looked thoughtfully at the paper, then peered into the murky depths. Just what he needed for a little blackmail.

"Xemnas." He spoke, and the liquid within the basin suddenly moved with a purpose, clearing to show…

"That is… my personal chamber?" Xenmas' face held a puzzled expression, from this distance, it looked like his room. He leaned in, trying to get a better view of the goings on.

To say that he squealed like a girl as he fell in was a gross exaggeration. Well, maybe not.

Xemnas landed on the cold, marble floor, and watched the scene unravel before him. Demyx was standing alone in front of Xemnas' desk, shifting his feet and looking worn, battered. His shirt was slashed, and blood stained the fabric of his trousers, but his face held no emotion, just a cold, confused shell of a man looked from within those eyes.

_This is… When I inundated him into the Organization._

He waited, and then his younger version began to speak…

* * *

If you like, tell me so. If not, nothing will happen here. 

Toodles.


	2. Gottle 'o Geer, a gottle'geer!

It's already been commented on. Good.

More comments more chapters. Thus it is said, thus it is so.

Continue.

* * *

Xemnas looked around his old room, the huge space was big enough to hold a ballroom within and still leave enough air to squeeze in an elephant or two, if you squashed them hard enough. The room was bare, apart from his desk and the scientific apparatus from his old life, his failed attempts to replicate hearts twitched in jars, abominized souls with no reason to continue.

Xemnas saw his… other begin to open his mouth, but then it seemed that time froze. Demyx halted in mid-fidget, one of Zexion's Monk Nobodies ceased to pace outside the doorway, patiently waiting to escort the newest member to the personal quarter.

'_The first thing that struck me about the Superior…' _Xemnas jumped as Demyx's voice sounded right by with ear, '_…was not his calculating majesty, not his ability to wear black cloaks and moan like a porn star on steroids, not his weird fetish for footwear or celestial bodies or strobe lighting. No, it was his stench.'_

Xemnas made a good attempt of stretching his face, at least, there could be no other reason why his eyebrows launched into his forehead and his jaw dropped like a brick.

'_He smells… well, to say that the Superior smells slightly miffy is to say that oral sex with a shark would be mildly painful. Picture, if you can, a boy who's just hit puberty. Now, make him run and fight and worry for a week without pause, no bathing allowed. Now, knock him out for a day, to let the stench really settle in, and add a touch of boot polish for that real darknessy hint. Now add onions. Lots and lots of onions. That is the Smell of my Superior. It melts Lexeaus' earwax and makes Zexion cry at night, it makes Axel cautious about using his powers and made Xaldin one of the most popular guys in our little group for his ways with air currents.'_

Xemnas halted from planning bloody nobodycide for a minute as his took a wiff from within his robes.

"Well, this is a predicament. And I thought I was just intimidating…" He mused after coughing and gagging for a full minute.

'_This causes problems. It also makes him think that nobody would want to question his authority. Especially in the council room, where we can make our chairs zoom up and done like a yoyo on crack, seeing as Larxene usually showers before the event and unzips the top of her cloak just a snatch to let the steam out. Normally, a guy like me would bring a pair of binoculars and scoot a few metres above her, breaking out the popcorn as I take pictures.'_

'_Unfortunately, no-one dares go higher than the Superior because of the odour. Wow, I can tell you, it wafts everywhere, it's hard to give a summary on the mission details when you start asphyxiating and end up falling a few hundred feet. Even Vexen's afraid to take the plunge and ask our lord and master for another research grant in person, and his nose has been blocked ever since Axel mixed his snuff with pepper. And noseplugs really don't offer that much in the way of respect, even if you claim you have a bloody sneezer.'_

Xemnas' temples were beginning to throb.

'_I'm telling you, that man scares me a crapload anyway. I'm almost as scared of him as I am of dogs, seriously! That time I was sent on a mission to this Castle full of jailbait witchs and wizards.. a giant three-headed…'_ Demyx's voice trailed off, followed by a small whimper.

'_But I digress'._

'_Superior, if you're watching this, I sincerely hope I'm dead. If I'm not, I sincerely hope I die before you reach me first. If you reach me first… Well, that'd suck, put plainly.'_

'_Also, have a shower, and shave your chin, for the love of god! That five-o'-the-morning cut might impress the dusks, but it looks to me like a sexual disease took root in your neck!'_

'_Peace! Nocturne out!'_

Xemnas felt the world around him spin, saw the surroundings turn completely black until he awoke, lying down on the marble in the storeroom again.

His fingers clenched as he contemplated what to do… He did not wish to review number nines thoughts on the others, he wanted to make him suffer now, while the anger was fresh in his head.

… Well, there was the world with a realm of the dead, guarded by a giant, three-headed…

Xemnas laughed and arose, making a beeline to his quarters, ready to begin writing out instructions for a new mission.

The sorcerer who had spoken to him before hailed him as he left the storeroom.

_You are well?_

Xemnas nodded. Grateful now that Nobodies had no noses.

"Inform Xigbar that there is some personal information regarding him in the eastern area of the storeroom, level 51. And send Demyx to my room after noon-meal." He ordered his servant, before regarding whether to use black-bordered paper or not for the Nocturne's mission statement…

* * *

I wish to cut off my own head. Is there a way to facilitate this without provoking immediate ceasation of life's privileges? 


	3. Giggidy giggidy goo!

More reviews. Excellent.

Suggestions will be accepted.

Continue.

* * *

Xigbar took another detour on the way to the shooting grounds, trying to slack off his curiosity with a bagel and a few litres of fresh coffee. His hand paused as he hit the switch for the machine, watching the liquid slowly brew into the jug, musing as the dark juice filled the glass container.

A Sniper shivered into existence beside him, handing him a piece of paper impaled on its weapon before warping back to its duties.

Xigbar scanned down the sheet, frowning at points as he lifted his eyepatch to better keep an eye on the java. The reports were becoming worrying, after the 13th member, sightings of humanoid nobodies had dropped to nothing. Zexion couldn't smell out new members, and Axel's ability to sense a lack of a heart in a person was proving dry.

_Speaking of the 13__th__ member…_

"Xigbar!"

The Freeshooter about-faced. "How'd you know it was me?"

"Who else hangs on the ceiling?." The newest member smirked, folding his arms and giving him _the look._

Xigbar laughed, the kid had a habit for knowing when you were up to something, possibly why he hadn't been sent to Castle Oblivion with the other Neophytes. Not that he minded usually, but when Roxas felt that you were doing something fun and enjoyable, and felt that you were deliberately excluding him from it, he gave you _the look_.

Xigbar flipped down to a more natural position, nee, on the ground, and picked up the pot and his favorite mug. "Something wrong?" He drawled, slipping a slug from that wonderful mug.

"I can't believe I can't go and help! I'm stuck on comms for the next three weeks! And.. you… Argh!!" Roxas grumbled, frustrated at being cooped up for so long.

"Look, kid, I think you need to know the crowd you're dealing with here. We're nobodies. Whether we're outside or inside or exploding, it's all the same, yeah? We're badass, in the most sincere term of the word." Xigbar shook his finger at the swirly-haired boy.

"That didn't mean you had to cast the vote to keep me here! Axel's left, why can't I?" Roxas reasoned desperately with his mentor.

"Because you're still in training, scrub." Xigbar pointed out. "The guy they're preparing for has skill enough to spread you over the wall. If you went up against him, we wouldn't need to bury you, just paint over the top."

Roxas threw up his arms and groaned, storming out as Xigbar finished the jug and crammed the last of the bagel into his cheeks. He set out to find the warehouse that the boss'd mentioned, kicking himself for letting his little protégée run out on him.

He reached the door, opening it and surveying the mess before following the instructions the Superior gave him, making his way eastwards until he spotted the basin.

He halted, scratching his head. "Xigbar." He intoned, watched the fluid swirl until…

"Whoa, trippy!" Xigbar leaned in closer for a look…

The scene was stilled, Xigbar was in the middle of pressing the point of his gunbow into Demyx's forehead.

_The first time I met Xigbar, well, I'm afraid I hit it off rather badly. I'd been sent to collect his sample of Dense essence and was lost in thought when I reached his room, yanking the bellpull out of habit._

_The problem being, of course, is that the Freeshooter, or 'Peashooter' as Luxord is fond of calling him, has a habit of floating upside down. On top of that, he has a braid of hair that is rather knobbly, like a cord of thick rope. So when I gave a good, hard tug on the thing, I'm afraid that I rather took advantage of the fact that the git doesn't shampoo or condition._

_Needless to say, I ended up with a massive hunk of old-man hair in my hand, and Xigbar stayed with a giant bald patch as big as a fist on the back of his noggin. I've seen him comb it over everyday, using two mirrors and an industrial-strength toupee to hide his shame. Haha! And I'd do it again!_

Xigbar grumbled a little under his breath, before sighing and feeling the regrowth on the back of his head.

_But his table manners are the crowning glory of his personality. Seriously, whenever Larxene or Namine or one of Marluxia's dates are in the room, he uses the fish fork, the syrup spoon… Immaculate. He'll spout Shakespeare and Homer and talk about the finesse of the lone marksman, complimenting the girls at every opportunity. A gentleman._Here Demyx's voice sounded a little off colour.

_But once they leave, he goes at his food with a shovel! Rebounding broccoli, ballistic sausages and ejected fried eggs, I'm no stranger to a little mess here and there, but the sauce goes everywhere! It's like watching nuclear fission in progress. You start out with a soup and by the time Xigbar's finished, you end up with a stew. And he burps. Loud enough to blow out the windows, which is lucky considering that what he doesn't burp, he fires out from below. He seems to live in his own cloud of second-hand baked beans and reconstituted beer._

_That said, he throws awesome parties. It's a clever trick, He goes to a world where they're having beach party, finds an abandoned house, gets his Snipers to do it up, then opens the doors and throws a biggun._

_Booze, chicks, the occasional man hitting on Vexen due to his androgynous hair, it's all good. We even managed to convince Lexaeus to be the bouncer, the guy can throw people over three metres, I've heard! And the shooter himself draws them in, the guy can surf, really surf. _

Xigbar nodded, trying to recall exactly where his board was, anyway.

_And… Uh, Xigbar, if you're watching this, I kinda smashed your board when I was practicing down in the wave pool. No hard feelings, right? The bits are in the trash. _

_Peace out!_

"YOU BROKE SASHA?!" Xigbar screamed, before the scenery ejected him onto the floor of the warehouse.

He picked himself up, shaking his head and fuming.

"First item on the agenda, save Sasha. Second, Kill number nine!" Xigbar shouted to the air, before stomping off to the repository.

* * *

Am tired. Must attempt to work on my other story.

Please read it. And review both.


	4. Twong!

Next Chapter. Suggestions and ideas would be appreciated, and I will mention you.

* * *

Xaldin stormed into the warehouse, following a crude map drawn by the Freeshooter, lost in thought of the events of the day..

The Superior had turned up to the daily meeting, having shaved off his beard, and had walking commando around the castle as his only cloak had finally gone in the wash, oblivious to the cries of 'What does he feed that thing?!' and 'OHGAWDMYEYES!!' afterwards. He seemed to have washed for once in his unlife, although the overpowering scent of Marluxias cologne was hardly an improvement…

Xigbar had been absent from a few meetings, blaiming his illness on splinters, Marluxia had brought yet another woman back from the worlds, Demyx's cloak had come out looking like a colander, and had been gibbering about a 'nice puppy' for the past three days…

He turned into the warehouse, saw the font, followed the instructions with little more than a raised eyebrow.

"Xaldin."

The scene was quite obvious to the casual observer, what with Demyx being pinned in a spread-eagle fashion to the white wall by all six of Xaldin's lances, with Xaldin slowly advancing with a sadistic grin plastered on his face.

_Now, we've had a few visitors to our fair castle, despite the fact that no-one ever makes it out again, and I've come to find that a lot of stereotypical attitudes are forced upon us, such as Zexion being an emo, (Which he isn't, he actually has ADHD. We've been keeping him on dried Mexican frog pills for the past six months, resulting in the man you see now.) Axel being a pedophile (Which I'm pretty sure he ain't, not with all the girly magazines that he stole from Vexen that he's got stashed in his room somewhere.) and Mr Pinky being more bent in the shang-dingle than a horseshoe. (He ain't, more on that later.)_

_But Xaldin, our very own 'windy prancer', whoa man, when he heard about Roxas' arrival, he went out to a hardware store and bought the materials for six identical flying spanking paddles. He originally had toasting forks as his weapon, but that, combined with his wind abilities and Axel's tendency to leave kindling and marshmallows in the storage cupboard unguarded… well, you can guess the outcome. We found him in front of a raging inferno outside the kitchen, sitting sedately with a pile of Larxenes… Uh… Undergarments beside him, throwing them one by one into the roaring fire and singing 'She loves me, she loves me not'._

_Needless to say, Larxene was not impressed, considering that she walked in as he was showing us her Powerpuffs thong. There are stains in the curtains that will never come out, I fear._

_As for him and Roxas, many a time have I recognized the little ritual of a 'Thwopthwopthwop' of the paddles on my little buddy's keister, followed by his shout of unbridled rage and Lexaeus' cries of "Again, spank him again!" from afar. There are times whether I wonder what brought us together… Was it the pressure of our favorite lord and master, or was it the little gay streak that exists in everyone, bar me? I remember my initiation, and to this day all you need to kill the soul I don't have are the words "Bend over and take it like- I mean from a man."_

Demyx sobbed for a couple of minutes, before sniffing and continuing in a fake cheerful tone.

_But Xaldin's a pretty awesome guy, no-one can say that he doesn't know his music, he listens to all the classical greats, Vivaldi, Mozart, Bach… I'm pretty sure that deep within the fleshy exterior of that psychotic, shotacon-loving maniac lies a cultured, sophisticated, shotacon-loving maniac who drinks Earl grey as he continues to spank our youngest member in the dirty depths of his mind._

_His dreadlocks are also a minor difficulty for those who haven't had to deal with our favorite child-rapist. If you've ever seen those magic pictures that kind of melt your brain, you may have a mild clue as to what they could do for you. When he moves, they seem to make you both seasick and dizzy at the same frickin' time. Not to mention those sideburns, when he finishes a sentence, you catch yourself waiting for his muttonshops to start making a contribution. I swear I've seen him spoon-feed them, they must have, like, faces hidden in there, like Big Xal was one of Vexen's twisted little experiments with bunnies and happy mice and some horrible groaning genetically engineered thing stuck in a jam jar!_

_But I digress, if you come to the castle, and Xaldin stares at your arse, don't worry. You will be sodomized in the butt within the hour, it's happened to me, it's happened to everyone else (With the exception of Larxene and number 13, claiming that 13 is an unlucky number and that Number 12 is 'too manly') and it WILL happen to you. Don't bother calling the police. They will be raped and stabbed to death, hopefully in that order. Don't bother wearing heavy clothing, he will rip them apart, then proceed to rape you. Don't bother shooting him, he will grunt, eat the bullet, and rape you. Don't bother to use reverse psychology and yell "My sweet cheeks are yours for the taking, Xal baby!", Rest assured, he will take them anyway, raping you as an afterthought._

_Hell, just come expecting to be raped, and grab some insurance against it._

_Xaldin, my door is locked and my dancers are well instructed in the ways of the ninja. Enter and die._

_Also, can I have my S Club 7 CD back? I'm having a dance-night down in Twilight Town._

Xaldin laughed as the Font swirled him out again.

A Dragoon slithered down a lance as he called it, awaiting his instructions.

"Summon my Pirate Dragoons! And bring me my special jelly!" He barked, before rubbing his palms together with glee and anticipation, slowly walking towards the living quarters, and namely, the room of the horribly fated Nocturne…..

* * *

I am willing to dedicate a fictional work to the first one who comments. PM me after you comment, and tell me what I should write. 


	5. Hurk! We are pheasant pluckers

Done. Lexaeus proving difficult. Require assistance.

* * *

Vexen followed the instructions to the letter. In fact, nothing out of the ordinary happened. So to save the fingers of the author, let us kindly delve with him into the Font.

_Vexen… Our pilly-alcoholic… Oh god, do you know how hard it is to do justice to that ma- that pers- that individual? With only words?_

Vexen scoffed, proud and mildly irritated at the Nocturne's limited vocabulary. He _knew_ he was beyond incredible; he didn't need some idiot admiring him in a second-rate spittoon.

_I saw him once when he was going out to the convenience-store-that-nobody-needs. I think it was something called… Walmart? Anyway, with that long blonde girly hair and swaying hips, I had no choice but to get my freak on, I just wish I had seen his face earlier..._

The scene slowly faded away into gray, before revealing a younger IX leaning on the wall, a seductive grin slowly creeping over his face as he attempted to chat up the Chilly Academic, who was facing away from him and not electing to speak.

Then IV turned around, and the revelation that he was trying to pull a man into bed suddenly slapped into Demyx's forebrain, as the Nocturnes face ceased in its talking about the weather (Despite that the weather in the World That Never Was never changed, or indeed, existed.) and went through an entire spectrum of emotions, beginning with surprise, then comtemplation, then nausea, then hysteric laughter, then melancholic anger, finally ending at extreme embarrassment. The scene paused, and Demyx once again continued as Vexen rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed.

_Mr Freeze took it pretty well. Turns out Axel, Saix and Luxord had mistaken him for a woman when they had first arrived, and Marluxia had made very suggestive comments about 'Coming to his garden and inspecting his prizewinning produce'. It's got to be tough for the guy, maybe that's why he spends all his time in his lab, reading porn when he isn't tearing his hair (Which, as I have already stated, is long and blonde and girly.) out over a deadline. _

_And yes, he claims it's only for the articles. Doesn't matter, me and Axel tend to dare each other to go and set the magazines alight… Maybe I can convince Luxord to give us a hand... Heh heh, you see what I did there? 'Cause you get dealt a hand in cards, and Luxord's weapons are… _

_Forget it._

_But a very interesting man-woman-thing, is Vexen. He was the first one to discover how to shape the dusks into our personal image. When he started showing me how to create my awesome, kick-ass dancers; well, I could forgive that he 'accidentally' instructed his chemist nobodies to spike my coffee with Arsenic the other day. _

_Now, Chilly-boy is, I'm afraid to say, the only person who's powers do not coincide with mine, as the numerous cuts and flesh wounds I've had to endure during our shared missions would testify. See, He has the power of ice. I have the power of water. Mix them together, you get either slush or snow, and snowmen are not particularly good at defeating Heartless, even if you strap Xigbar's Gun-bow to its chest._

_Which we did, before Xiggy took offence and fired a round into the vicinity of my sexy regions. Thank God my back was turned, though having Xaldin taking 'medical' pictures in order to 'better understand your bare- I mean, broken buttocks.' isn't exactly my cup of Earl grey…_

Vexen smirked. He had heard rumors about Number Nines tragedy with the Freeshooter, but the incident with Xaldin hadn't reached his ears.

Perhaps he could stand to get out a little more? Although the new Hustler was coming out, and there were always the updates on 'Pink fever' to browse…

Maybe tomorrow, then. For certain.

Unless the centerfold was _really_ hot.

_The most disasterous consequence occurred when I was opening a dozen-pack can of whoop-ass on a large squad of Invisibles in World's End, before the door to darkness had closed. We were trying to escort a new member back to the portal to the castle, she wasn't too bad, think her name was Sexla _(Here, Demyx began sniggering uncontrollably while Vexen rolled him eyes)_. I'd summoned a couple of water clones to cover for me, but Vexy seems to get it into his head to freeze them until they exploded, showering us with sharp icicles. Killed the Heartless, peppered the new recruit and shortened her life to that of a fart in a furnace, and damn near turned us into a wonderful whack-a-mole board._

_Whoops._

_We told the Superior that we were ambushed by singing heartless. When he started getting that skeptical look, Vexen added that they were singing to the tune of 'It's a small world after all' he suddenly seemed to believe us._

_Oh, and strange viewer, never let IV near alcohol. He can't handle anything stronger than lemonade, if you give him so much as a shandy, he'll start slurring and challenge you to a head-butting competition, resorting to hammering his noggin on the wall if no-one wishes to partake in this happy sport of brain death. Let's see…he's danced on tables, gone nuts with the cheese spray, shaves his body-hair into a 'V for victory!' pattern in front of the entire organization, and uses the karaoke machine with such reckless abandon as to cause internal rupturing of the bowels._

Vexen's spiked shield burst into his hands, before its angered master shook his head and sent it away. "I sound beautiful, number nine, no matter what you say!"

_So, Vexen, if you happen to be watching this, I was the one who stole your 'Co-ed baths of the world' and 'Naughty Nurses' Dvds. Oh, and the vodka bottle that Lexaeus gave you for the anniversary? The one you sculled to prove you were a man? Yeah, I know you filled it with water. Pussy._

The swirling, the ejection, the Chilly Academic felt the marble underneath him again.

"So that's where they went…" He fumed, making a beeline for the Proof of Existence, looking to have a little 'talk' with his insubordinate subordinate.

* * *

Review. Or I will send beehives to you. 


	6. You have been warned!

_Writer's block. Difficult. Need help._

* * *

Lexaeus stomped through the halls of the Castle in the world that ever was, his stalwart companion, the Tomahawk, resting over his shoulder.

He had been told that a magical pool contained 'sexy things' and 'cookies' in the storehouse. Lexaeus liked cookies, almost as much as he liked watching the newest member get spanked. Lexaeus liked a lot of things, some illegal, some immoral, some fattening, all depraved.

His Warrior Nobody continued to trail sullenly behind him, occasionally smacking into the side of the corridor as it fumbled with its helmet. With a nod from its superior, it slunk to the door, standing guard while its master fumbled with the doorknob. The doorknob squealed in protest before the metal crumpled under The Silent Hero's giant fist and fell off, rendered useless forever.

"Arrrrrgh." Lexaeus growled, trying to figure out another way to enter the room. He could summon a door into darkness, or perhaps hire a door-fitter, or even picking up Luxord and using his bullet-head to ram the thing open…

Lexaeus shrugged, and decided that doors were for gay people. He picked up his weapon and moved a couple of feet to the left, before swinging the huge sword-axe at the wall once, twice, thrice.

Stepping through the hole he'd made, he began walking in a straight line, oblivious to the other pieces of junk staggered around the storeroom, kicking shelves over and swinging his Tomahawk around, causing extreme carnage as he hit a bundle of pillows, coating the room with a layer of feathers.

Sneezing as the dust settled, the fifth nobody king began to search for the font, grunting with approval when he found the strange liquid tumbling with a strange joy as he swirled the contents.

Looking around to confirm he was alone, Lexaeus scooped a handful of liquid and tried to drink from his hands…

---Three hours later---

Lexaeus groaned and tried to stand, rubbing his head and wobbling as he got to his knees. He wouldn't try _that_ again.

"Lexaeus" He rumbled into the font, watching the waters twist into strange shapes.

He fell in…

* * *

_Our wonderful, wonderful Tarzan, the Silent Hero, he who makes the organization scratch their heads in confusion and wonder 'What the hell?'._

_His dialogue… Well… If you can get him to say more than two words, you're lucky. Here's an example._

A vision of Axel walking along Xemnas, possibly getting a scolding for leaving the shower temperature on 'likely to dissolve flesh' for the seventh time, when Lexaeus warped out of the darkness and beat Axel over the head with a cricket bat until he realized that the younger Nobody was unconscious and oozing over the white floor.

"_I suppose you have a reason for doing that, number five?"_ Xemnas folded his arms, not paying attention to the slowly leaking gunk that was exuding from the Flurry's head.

"_I thought he was Luxord."_

"_And why do you wish such grievous harm onto our fair gambler?"_

"_He's a prick."_ The Hero flung the bat at the Pyro's chest, where it stuck, handle first.

_Luckily, Axel lived._ Demyx's voice cut through again. _But Lex will usually just use words like 'Eat, drink, sleep, fuck, you, die, kill, sword, shiny, cookie, crabs, Spongebob, pancake, and Blergharglesmargiwangdoodle'. Admittedly, he can only say the last when he tries to inhale fly-spray, but he's said it over five times so far, so I think it works!_

_Now, the man has extreme muscle. We're talking 'Hey, check it! Bow Chicka bow wow!' muscles, more of 'em than an oyster plantation! Some people can roll a basketball over their shoulders, but only Lexaeus can get them to stick between his shoulderblades and pop._

_And then he got a puppy, who in its previous life was called 'Ess', and Axel had a fun time giving it a more organizational name: Ssex._

_Ssex and Lex were constant companions, though when Lex had to have it vaccinated, or even referred to… Problems occurred._

Here, a scene showed Lexeaus taking a small, scruffy-haired mongrel to the Vets via a portal of darkness. Upon arriving in the foyer, Lexeaus walked up to the receptionist and parked the dog on the bench.

"_Want Ssex to be safe! Have Shots!"_ He barked.

"_Excuse me?"_

Lexeaus put the dog on the bench, _"Have Ssex with me! Get tested for Diseases soon!"_

"_Uh… Sir, we don't tolerate that kind of language in here."_

"_Language? You not want Ssex here?"_

"_I don't want… what?"_

During all this, the puppy had begun to run around, irritating every little critter in the waiting room.

"_ARGH!! Ssex is never good with animals!"_

"_Sir!"_

"_Oh, and you help me find lady dog for Ssex please?"_

"_Security!!"_

The scene shifted again, Lexeaus had to embark on a mission to assassinate a leading member of the ShinRa corporation who was staying in a hotel for a business trip

Once again, Lexeaus ran into trouble at the receptionists.

"_Want a room for Ssex."_

"_Buddy, you only get the one, we don't care what you do in it."_

"_But Sex keep me awake, Ssex is very naughty!"_

"_You never said a truer word."_

"_It not good for me, Me had Ssex since I had just started life."_

"_You must have been quite a kid."_

"_Maybe you could have Ssex for me tonight?"_

"_Security!!"_

The scene shifted, now Lexeaus was answering to Xemnas in the room of chairs, each member looking particularly uncomfortable at the exchange.

"_Pray tell, Number Five, what you were doing in Larxene's room last night?"_

"_Looking for Ssex!"_

"_We've all tried that before…" _Came an unhappy mutter from Xigbar, earning a smothered chuckle from Roxas, a snort from Saix and a death-glare from the already nobodicidal Number 12.

"_Look, Lex, we understand you're displacing your wife from your other life onto the dog… but…"_ Vexen asked soothingly, or as close to it as he thought was masculine.

"_But when I was married, there was no Ssex in my life!"_ Lexeaus sounded rather distraught.

"_That's the way it goes, I'm afraid."_ Xaldin remarked from his lofty perch, to general amusement.

"_If I had Ssex before marriage, things might be different!" _Lexeaus was beginning to blub into his hands.

"_What is this, a confessional?"_ Marluxia rolled his eyes. _"To hell with all of you, I'm going to water my zucchini until you get that great lug moving again!"_ With that, a portal of darkness grew and consumed the Assassin.

"_I can't find Ssex anymore!"_ Lexeaus began weeping, drawing in great, breathy sobs. _"I neeeed Sseeeeeeeex!!!"_

"_You and me both."_ Axel commented dryly, before the entire outlook faded back into white.

"_Now you might think it's unlikely that you'll ever find a man quite like Lex, so thank your lucky stars. _

_May all your days be Ssexless. Oh, and Lexy? Ssex drowned. In a puddle. Yeah, that's the last time the Rabid little fuck'll bite my ass, bitch!_

As Lexeaus was ejected, a frown slowly but surely emerged on his face.

---20 minutes later---

"DEEEEMYX!!"

"Uh, Lex? What are you doing in my room?"

"Give me SEEEEEEX!!"

"What, the dog?"

---20 Seconds later---

"Oh god no!!"

"MRRRRRR!!!

* * *

_Major Paine reference, anyone?_

_Review appreciated, will take ideas for a hyperactive Zexion, kindly. _


	7. Pizza pizza!

_Sorry about the wait. I'm just annoyed at the lack of reviews. It's all good, though. The ones I get are great, make me smile._

* * *

Zexion warped out of the dark portal, taking a deep breath as the cold, dry air of the World-that-never-was filled his lungs and soothed the heart he couldn't have. He could smell five others, the touches of cinnamon, chestnut, ozone, compost and paper told him that numbers eight through eleven were currently at residence.

All the better, he wanted to prolong the disappointment of his superior for as long as he could.

He starting walking slowly, treading delicately so as not to disturb the air around him. That would create wind currents, wind currents mixed up the scents, and mixed up scents made him nauseous…

A note was stuck with a pin to his door/portal. And by 'stuck' I mean 'Embedded' and by 'pin' I mean 'Cleaver'.

"Lexaeus, huh?" Zexion mumbled to himself, scanning the note and entering the small chamber he had dubbed 'Unending resistance'. He moaned at the contents, tossing the note aside as he walked through the dimensional door.

Zexion flung himself on the bed and unzipped the cloak, throwing it at a servant Monk nobody who caught it as it flew and folded it neatly with a few practiced movements, making way to the laundry room.

Clad only in briefs, Zexion let loose one large, breathy exhalation. His body was exhausted, that was the last time he ever went looking for Ninjas in a damned village, they were all so fu-

Zexion's watch, a Rolex that he had taken from a corpse during his first year as a Nobody, chimed the hour. Shaking his head, The Cloaked Schemer opened a dispenser on his bedside table and popped out his medication, gagging as they rolled to the back of his throat and swallowing awkwardly.

Finally, he moved to the closet and retrieved another cloak, donning it as he walked through the portal, double-checking the location on the note and making his way to the warehouse, puzzled.

* * *

_Zexion seems to be the most level-headed of our little group of loonies, and for the most part he is, saving the occasions when he tries to knife us in the back. Or more often, when he tries to get us to knife each other to the face. Guy's a sneaky little bastard, and that's why we love 'im._

_But all was not always so well with our wonderful Bloodhound. You see, he used to have difficulties working with others, usually resorting to bursting into song in times of great stress. Here's an example._

The hall of chairs, their masters resplendent on them with the cold pride of Nobody Kings stood tall as Zexion stood to give his report. His face was pale, his hands trembling, his entire body screaming 'I don't want to be here!'.

"_In the process of… Heeeee…. Making a valid counteraction to the Heeeee…. Yes, the Heeee…. HERE'S A LLAMA THERE'S A LLAMA AND ANOTHER LITTLE LLAMAAAAAAAA!!"_ At that, Zexion slumped back in his chair and began to blow bubbles with his saliva.

Xemnas coughed a few times for attention. _"Number six, are you-"_

"_I'm scared, Dave! Hold me close!"_ Zexion squeaked in an ear-shattering Falsetto.

"_Can I stab him a few times? Maybe he's suffering from high pressure."_ Xaldin ventured.

"_High pressure? What's under pressure?"_ Marluxia questioned from the side.

"_Anywhere the stabby things ain't."_ Luxord rumbled.

"_Asssssshole a'mio…. Ooooo Sodomia…."_ Zexion continued to whisper, clutching his head and whimpering at _'The mega bunnies! The mega bunnies!!'_

"_You know, that stabbin' idea's getting kind of appealing…"_ Luxord nodded, resulting in a faint chant of, resulting in a faint chant of '_Stab him! Stabbity-stab-stab!'_ from Larxene, who seemed to be suffering from convulsions at the prospect of violence.

When asked why she wished such harm upon Zexion later, she mentioned something about _'Saying my hair smelt nice. And I hadn't shampoo'd or anything!'_

'_Fine! THAT'S IT! I'M POISONING THE LITTLE FUCKER!!'_

'_Roxas! Put that toad down! You don't know where it's been!'_

'_I know where it's going!'_

The scene blanked into a white haze, the image of Axel unsuccessfully performing CPR on Zexion with a toad leg sticking out of his mouth would have been funny, were it not for Zexion's snore.

_Luckily, it turns out the frog wasn't poisonous. Better luck next time, Roxas! However, the reagent on the frog's skin actually allowed Zexion to bypass his anxiety. Result? I gotta gut and pressed about 5 frogs a month to make these little Pills for Zex. Once, I peed in the wrong container and Zex ended up clinging to the ceiling to avoid the 'Bald Spiders'._

_In case you're interested, I have Photos. 50 gil a pop!_

Back in the contents of the font, Zexion shrugged. Those were bad days, but he'd let this slip as long as…

The view changed, and the Zexion from the past was shown hunching over with Vexen and Saix, in the stereotypical 'conspiracy' pose.

_You see this? YOU SEE IT?! I told the superior, I said: "Superior, those guys are up to something. Something Sciencey." He asks why, I say it's because Science is the only thing that can distract Vexen from Porn!_

_And he just ignored me._

_Well who's ignoring who now?_

The scene cut to a still of the Castle-that-never-was, sans a huge hole poking through the wall. Zexion, Vexen and Saix appeared to be dancing with glee as Axel and Xigbar sifted through the debris on the ground below…

_Oh, they made something new all right. Called it the 'Lunar-Operated-Laser', or the 'LOL'. I don't think I need to clarify, but just in case I do, dear viewer:_

_The LOL is a fearsome weapon. Its very construct is strange and crude, and its uses are simple and, quite obviously, stupid. Roxas loved it; or at least he did once we fixed his room. He'd run through the buildings of the World that never was and LOL at everything he saw. Numbers 4, 6 and 7 enjoy using it immensely as well. They would scream at the top of their lungs every time they fired this awe-inspiring cannon._

_Hence why I have come to associate the LOL with Emos, Geeks, Psychos and 15-year-olds with no social skills. _

_Hence why The Big X had to draw up a particular code of conduct regarding the LOL._

_Do not LOL on any electronic media. It destroys it utterly, and renders it impossible to use without much frustration._

_Do not LOL at people. Just steal their hearts and be done with it, using the LOL destroys the global structure._

_Do LOL people if they have funny hair. Funny hair will not be tolerated._

_Do not LOL at the toaster. I like that toaster. It is hard to toast when the Toaster has been LOL'd._

_Do not combine the LOL with the Wayward-Ulterior-Terminator or the Ultimate-Recon-Generic-Attack-Yogurt. We have found that people who use LOL-WUT or LOL-URGAY together tend to die very slowly. And painfully._

_I have heard of attempts to convert the LOL into a Lunar-Magnified-Autonomous-Obliterator. Rest assured, I will never allow anybody to LMAO while staying at my castle, on that I swear._

_Zexion, of course, completely disregarded this and proceeded to build the next step of the LOL, the Kineticly-Integrated-System-Shock-Memotic-Yawing-Automatic-Severing-Scissored-Lunar-operated-Laser, or the KISSMYASSLOL. _

_Luckily, it exploded the first time he used it. We found him sticking out of the big screen on Memory's Skyscraper. Which was on the ground. We don't know where the rest of the Skyscraper went, which is a pity. It was such a nice shade of blue…_

_Zexion: My advice for you: Stay the fuck away from 4 and 7. They're BAD for you. And don't forget to take those pills, chum._

_And one last thing: Every time you LOL, baby Jesus cries._

* * *

As Zexion was ejected, he yawned and made his mind up to acquire the photos.

What, you didn't think he was going to _react_, did you?

* * *

_I hate LOL, BRB and the rest. Can you tell? Next time: Saix. Suggestions and reviews appreciated!_


	8. Fourth wall? What fourth wall?

_Very late, but oh well. I just don't get enough feedback, and without that, I always doubt my ability to make my writing humourous._

_Meh, enough whining. On with the show!_

* * *

"Breathe in… Breathe out… Breathe in… Breathe out…"

Saïx moved sideways to slip through the hole left by the slightly retarded Lexeaus, noting the incredible mess that covered the entire floor, some of the walls and (Here he had to squint) the ceiling appeared to be painted with green snot. He stood there, his expressionless face having nothing to do with the brazenly decided 'WTF?!' train of thought inside his head.

He peeked at the note he had received that morning, tracing the gothic, heavy slant as Zexion's handwriting.

_Want to get angry? Of course you do, you're a GOOD little neophyte, are you not? Do you want a good reason to beat the fruit punch out of somebody? Yes, yes, I thought so. Good little Saïx! Follow the map and find the font._

_Good boy! Go fetch!_

_Zexion_

Saïx opened his mouth to give a verbal response; here, where nobody could possibly hear him. Well, the _other_ kind of nobody, you know, the one that actually _isn't there?_ Yeah. Wow. Big achievement, nobody. You're like an attractive and intelligent female student, we know you exist, but you're never around when we need to make some magic, if you get what I mean. So sexy, you ever notice that the smart students are always the pretty students?

Giggidy giggidy goo! They provide the giggidy giggidy, I provide the goo!

…

Anyway, the Author digresses. This is what Saïx said:

"**CENSORED**"

Whoops, forgot this was a T-rated fiction.

Anyway, he found the font, blah blah blah… whatever.

I need to lay off the honk, seriously.

--

_When I talk about Saïx, here and now, I think I need to inform you of something._

_You see, Saïx was the one who came up with the idea of coats for the organization's uniform. And thank god, because I remember ol' Neckbeard's previous uniform: Hawaiian shirts and lederhosen. Scary, yeah?_

Saïx nodded at Demyx's prompt summary of the scary material that once terrified the worlds. His ability with using the teeth of those he'd beaten over the head to stitch and sew was definitely unparalleled.

_Unfortunately, about three months in, we realized the dark side to our bitchin' new threads: The ass and the fetishes of Xaldin and Mister Scratch-'n'-Sniff pertaining to that wonderful sitting muscle of the buttocks. See, it shows off our milkshakes, and yes indeed do they bring all the boys to the yard; if by 'boys' you mean 'psychopathic perverts' and by 'yard' you mean 'me'._

The Lunar Diviner snorted, amused.

_Now, one thing we have to ask ourselves is: Why the moon? Generally, a nobody is affiliated with the element that killed him. I snorted acid in the bath and drowned, Axel did the whole fart-on-a-match thing at a gas station, Luxord ruptured himself dancing the Time Warp on a dare. Marluxia accidentally chopped his foot off trying to cut his toenails with a scythe after shoveling compost, and Larxene… well; I have a theory involving a stubborn piece of toast and a breadknife…_

_Roxas probably walked down a tunnel and got ejected by a train. In bits. That's not a good light to see rushing towards you, but it sucks that he got connected to it anyway._

_But Saïx? Heh, it turns out…_

The Diviner's hair stuck out as he denied the possibility that the Nocturne knew his horrible secret.

… _That during a lightning storm, on a dark and terrible night, when all was raging and the wind lashed at any who stood…_

"No! No! I'm a Pretty Princess, Number Nine! You can't say such evil things! Noooo!"

_... A bolt of electricity hit the flat in which Saïx's somebody was staying, exploded the T.V, and embedded a piece of glass into his head, killing him instantly._

"No no no no no no no…" Saïx gibbered.

_Why does this matter? Well, you see, Saïx used to be a Fanboy. I'm talking FANBOY here, with the creepy dolls and the fanservice merchandise and the comics and… ew. Anyway, the last thing Saïx saw were a pair of cartoon girl's panties-_

"Noooooo!"

_-Belonging to a one 'Sailor moon'._

"Demyx is dead! D-E-D Dead!" Saïx screamed to himself. His eyes narrowing and mouth flecked with insane saliva.

_Bummer, Saïx. Better luck with the Poontang next time, yeah? You sick, sick bastard._

"Murder, Death, Kill! Murder, Death, Kill!"

_That said, the Luny Divider-Ruler-Compass had a few… shall we say… problems with the boss. Sure, the two made a match made in Nothing, what with Saïx cheesing his way up through the ranks and Xemnas having somebody to kiss his ass, but there are a couple of incidents where the happy twosome ran into trouble._

The scene cut to a long table in a white room, strangely reminiscent of the White room in the mansion of Twilight town. Xemnas was currently speaking to the rest of the Organization as they were eating breakfast.

"_-… and thus I have decided to move casual Friday to Monday."_

"_What's the point? This is all we have to wear!"_ Axel whined, pointing at the black coat he wore in between gorging on fried eggs and belching with Roxas.

"_Ahem. Now, on to the next point, I have deemed that racing clown cars down the elevator-… Ah, itchy back, I'm sorry… Saïx?"_ He called out, resulting in the shifting chair and a hastily deployed Number Seven.

"_At once, sir…" _Both the 'real' Saïx and the memory responded, summoning his unactivated Claymore out of thin air and rubbing the ridged edge along the Superior's back.

"_Aaaah. Yes. Lower. Thank you, now then…"_ Xemnas shuffled his papers, finding his place.

"_Hey, Saïx, Demyx stole your hash browns, okay? I didn't do it."_ Xigbar called over the scraping and scuffling at the table.

The memory Saïx looked up, frozen. _"WHAAAAAA-?!"_

The scene froze.

_Now, the thing about Saïx's weapon is that, when he gets immensely pissed, it shoots out this badass blade thingie. And at this point, it's right at Xemmy's back… I don't think I have to paint you a picture, here. How about we just let the sounds work it out, shall we?_

The scene faded into blackness. Saïx winced at the memories to come.

"_-AAAAAT?!"_

_Spling!_

_Splatter_

_Drip drip drip_

"_AAAAAH!! MY BLOOD!! Y… YOU STABBED OUT ALL MY BLOOD!!"_

"_Holy Shit!"_

"_Jesus! Right through the chest!"_

"_Dammit, you got it all over the table!"_

"_Vexen, could you stop fussing over the table and get the Superior a medkit?!"_

"_Hey, this is white cloth! You know how long it takes to clean blood out of that?"_

"_Hey Axel, pass the pancakes."_

"_Sure, Rox. Want syrup?"_

"_Uh… Is there any lemon left?"_

"_Hang on… Catch!"_

"_This is a lime."_

"_Lemons, limes… Hey, what's with that big hole in Xemnas?"_

"_You idiots! This is serious!"_

"_Hey, nothing is more serious than breakfast!"_

"_Saïx… please… I need to tell you something… I… I… L… L… Luxord… I always hated Luxord the most…"_

"_Well fuck you too!"_

"_I'm so sorry, Superior!"_

"_Saïx!"_

"_Xem-sensei!"_

"_Saïx!"_

"_Gai-sensei!"_

"_Did we just switch fandoms?"_

"_Idiot! Don't break the forth wall!"_

"_Well, that's the hole patched up. Lucky we don't have hearts, huh?"_

"_Yeah…"_

"_Yeah…"_

"_Hey, where'd all the blood go?"_

"_Mmmmmmm… Ketchup!"_

"_Oh shit, Lexeaus, don't!"_

The world went white. Once more, the Nocturne's voice cut into the gloom.

_I'm just glad that Saïx was so busy cuddling up to his bum-buddy that he didn't notice that none of that would have happened if I hadn't pinched his hash browns._

_Oh, and Saïx? Remember when you tied me to a fridge and dropped me into the bottomless pit under the castle? Yeah, I've been peeing in your coffee ever since._

_Peace! Nocturne out!_

Saïx was ungracefully tossed out of the font, where he rolled around the ground in a foetal position crying "No no no no no no!" for a good twenty minutes. Uncurling, he jumped upright and cheered.

"Ha, HAHAHA! I'm not in crazy-land anymore!"

--

The next morning, at the breakfast table, Saïx noticed Demyx taking a deep drag of his espresso. He grinned a smile to put the fear of god into an atheist.

"Number Nine?"

"Yo!"

"I hope you don't mind, but I accidentally swapped our coffee this morning."

Demyx gagged, spitting the coffee onto the table and throwing the mug wide. The cup slammed into Lexeaus' head ("Oops, Down I go…") and splashed the boiling liquid into Marluxia's face.

"ARGH! My eyes! My beautiful hair!!"

As the chaos grew, the Lunar Diviner sat back and grinned.

Non-life was good.

* * *

_Short, but sweet. Life Coffee. Ew._

_Review and Suggest the next line for Axel! Do this or die!_


	9. Crumpets

_My next trick will be to make Luxord a very, very unhappy man._

_/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-_

"Axel's are the gayest, definitely."

"What, are you kidding me?! These things are like hula hoops from hell!"

"Don't care. Besides, you use those things and you ain't even Indian."

"Demyx has his Sitar, Xaldin. Besides, Larxene has those Japanese knifey thingies."

"Shut up, Luxord. Didn't ask, don't care."

"But Demyx's looks like it has testicles!"

"HEY!!"

"Shut up, mulhawk. Hmmm… what about Roxas?"

"Don't drag me into this, Xigbar."

"Seriously though, kiddo; you're using two phallic weapons there."

"They're _keys._"

"See? You're insecure about the size of your dick, so you grab two more!"

"Fuck you, Vexen. Psychology has nothing to do with my penis."

"Freud says otherwise."

"How about mister pink?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"No."

"Probably not."

"Hey, guys, you notice that Roxas didn't actually deny the whole penis thing?"

"Axel, _shut up!_"

"Holy shit, he's getting defensive!"

"It's true! It's true! Can't wait to tell you-know-who!"

"I hate you all so much right now."

"You know, I reckon Larxene has a thing for tiny dingles…"

"_SHUT UP!!_"

"How do you guess that?"

"The whole 'I use tiny knives' business."

"Maybe it's for Bee-dee-ess-emm?"

"Guys, this isn't funny."

"Cry me a river, shortstack."

"We were joking, Roxas. The white one'll bam you anyway."

"The white one?"

"It's a secret. But based on our information, the chances of her getting' freaky with you are 110 percent"

"Seriously?"

"Yup."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"She hot?"

"Pure Jailbait."

"Holy shit, did Roxas just _smile_?!"

"What's the extra 10, Vex?"

"Anal."

"Oh. By the way, Axel? There's a message for you on your portal."

"Oh, for… _I do not want to subscribe to a long-distance phone plan!!_"

--

_I joined up when Axel was at his worst. _

_Now, here I must clarify. Xemnas, in one of his crazy days, decided that he might as well run the organization like, well, an organization._

_Namely: Employees of the month. Nobody bothers to judge, but that doesn't mean that Axel ignored it. It was pure, flaming hell; and I wish I could scrub my memory of the incidents that occurred. Axel decided that he would be the numero uno member._

_In fact, when I joined…_

The scene in the font changed to a bemused Demyx trying on different sizes of cloaks.

_I was fine, until…_

A crazy-faced Axel with a grin bigger than was good for anybodies sanity burst into the cloakroom.

"Hey, rookie!!"

The past-Demyx's head swiveled around, blinking in polite apprehension.

"Can I help you?"

"Watcha doing, huh?!"

"I'm… trying on cloak sizes."

"COOL!! I can help you, because I'm the next employee of the month!!"

_Oh god, if only I had a brain._

"Oh, that would be very nice, thank you."

"Okay, put on the biggest cloak you can!!"

"Uh… okay…"

The scene flashed past the undressing quickly, and focused again on Demyx in a seven-sizes-too-big black robe.

"Um… I'm done."

"GREAT!! Now I can melt it to fit!"

"Melt it?"

_Oh god, I can't look._

"BURN, BABY!!"

The scene went black, the sounds of exquisite agony and a raging inferno played into the font. The Axel viewing the memories winced, and whistled a little tune as the bubbling noises continued and Demyx's whimpering stopped.

_It didn't stop._

The scene went white again, and focused on the organization's meeting hall, filled with nine giant chairs. It was apparently breakfast, as most of the organization members had some from of food, mostly toast and bowls of cereal balanced on their knees as they waited for Xemnas to call the meeting to order.

"Ah, hell…"

The new recruit, Luxord, was fuming over his items. He picked up a crumpet and waved it absently.

"I swear something's going nutso with the toaster. This crumpet isn't even singed!"

Xigbar nodded, "Ah, the dreaded toaster powers, man. Legendary, for sure."

"Surfer Hick."

"Pom."

"Wait, did you say your crumpet needed toasting?" Axel perked up from his crispy bacon and scorched pancakes.

"NO!!" Chorused the rest of the members. They knew what would happen if the Flurry was encouraged.

"Uh… actually, I did." Luxord waved the crumpet again, for good measure. He had yet to learn that this was a very stupid thing to do.

"SWEET!!"

"Oh, mommy." Xaldin gibbered, shrinking into his cloak and hoping to avoid losing his eyebrows this time.

Luxord looked left and right at the strange reactions, then noted the flames dancing around Axel and the maniac glint in his eyes.

"Oh, Shi-!!"

"COMMIT IT TO MEMORY!!"

Luxord's chair erupted into flames, catching the Gambler of Fate on fire. As he tried to beat the blaze off of his sleeves, he slipped and fell down onto the floor. The drop burst him into darkness.

As the inferno died down, the others peeked out from their cowls and glowered at the Eighth member.

"You… _idiot._"

"Commit it to memory? You utter twat."

"Moron!"

"That's the seventh time this month!"

"Your words are hurtful, but I will be reigning glorious when Xemnas crowns me member of the month!"

"Hmmm?" The Superior looked up from his muffin and coffee, having paid absolutely no attention to the goings-on of his subordinates. "Oh, is that crumpet taken?"

Indeed, the offending piece of Toast was nicely browned and sitting square in the middle of the Gambler's seat. A Sorcerer arose out of nowhere, levitated the piece on its cubes to the master. He took a bite out of relish.

"Mmmm. Well done. Good work, that man!" He crunched.

"I did that! Because I'm the member of the month!" Axel crowed. Saix mimed vomiting.

"So you are." Xemnas nodded. "Be good for next month."

At that, Axel's face went absolutely ecstatic. The other members had faces like death masks; Xemnas simply finished the crumpet and went back to reading the paper (Which, true to the nature of everything in the Castle, had nothing in it. He liked to imagine the blank spaces were filled with naked women).

The scene blacked out.

_Eventually, Axel decided that destroying everything with fire just didn't cut it. His heavy amounts of crazy were balanced out once the Emo prince (Tied with some idiot called Uchiha Sasuke. Seriously, who are these people?) Joined up and beat him over the head whenever some idiot remark came out of his mouth._

_Hooray!_

_So, Axel… uh… Look, you're one of my mates. And I appreciate that you try for us, okay? I don't really have anything to say, buddy. _

_Oh, yeah, I have the pictures of Larxene in the shower, by the way. Don't shake my hand! Haha!_

_Peace, Nocturne out!_

* * *

"Hey, uh… Demyx?"

"Yeah?"

"Who left me the note about your memory thingie?"

"What memory thingie?"

"Good god, no wonder you need that thing."

"What thing?"

* * *

_Ideas, suggestions... fire away, people._


	10. Hit his head as a baby

_Yes, I know I'm neglecting this. But, you see, reviews make it go that much faster, remember? -winkwink-

* * *

_

"…One eve'ning I was there, when I heed a showman shouting underneath the flair…"

Luxord sat crosslegged on an enlarged card as it floated down to the warehouse, nodding at the lesser nobodies as she moved aside for him. He grinned to himself, watching a Gambler trip a Dusk onto the white floor.

_That'll teach the little bastards._

"… I've got a luverly bunch'a'coconuts, there they are a-standin' in a row…"

He took another turn, yawning as he padded at the regrowth over his eyebrows. Once again, Axel's zealotism had left its mark… a scorch mark. He cursed fire in its forms, glad that at least there was a full sharpie in the castle.

"… Big 'uns, small 'uns, some as big as yur 'ead…"

He continued singing, sure that at least today would hold some entertainment. The plan to upholster the new Castle was proceeding nicely; Xemnas bathed, Axel was turning a little more moderate, Vexen had stopped accusing him of stealing his porn, and Larxene still hadn't learned of the hidden camera above her seat. Unlife was good.

"… Ya give 'em a twist, a flick of the wrist, that's what the showman said!"

And with that in mind, he headed into the storeroom, sneezing at the dust left by the massive blanket of feathers. At least, he tried; the card was too big and ended up throwing him off when the edge of the door barred its entry.

--

_You know, for a guy that has the abilities of Time and Luck as his chosen elements, Luxord seriously has shit-all in the good fortune department. Seriously, he's caught every kind of illness, been caught in every kind of disaster, been dutch-ovened by none else than Xigbar, and managed to get his head set on fire._

_Oooh, actually, there was a good story behind that. See, it doesn't involve Axel at all, and that's why the fire is so weird, yeah? See, back in the day, ol' Line-o-lux was pretty gullible, and kinda spotty. Seriously, he had acne so bad you could spot constellations among 'em. If he did that little pimple-squirty thing, chances are he would've blown out half his head from all the escaping pus._

_And to be fair, it was kind of his fault. He insisted on English food to match his accent and false-personality, but only certain kinds of English food. Bangers and Mash, Fried potatoes, Fish and Chips, Jam Puddings, Deep-fried Ice Cream… you seeing a trend here? Yeah, grease by the bucket. Actually, no, he ate the bucket too. You'd watch the guy and your ventricles would squeeze in sympathy for his clogged up vessels! Seriously, he isn't going to have a heart attack, his heart's just gonna burst from his chest in all its facehugger glory, punch in the nose and say 'I've had enough of your bullshit! Die, you poncy bastard!'._

_Okay, maybe not, but that would be so cool! He'd be all 'Argh! My own organs are committing Grievous Bodily Harm against me! I will sue my organs on behalf of me and win! Oooooh, I must sing some random British Crap in true ancient style!' and we'd be all 'I bet you 20 Gil he doesn't even know that Nobodies don't have hearts' and we'd…_

_Holy Shit._

_Holy Jumpin' Jesus Juice Jackal Jandal Shit._

_If he doesn't have a heart, he can't have a heart attack._

_Ergo: He can eat whatever shit he wants and he won't die._

_I want to eat that British shit, now. If I get pimples, I can just expel them with my uber-water. _

_Now, where was I? Oh, right, the face-burning stuff. 'Kay, Marly kinda told him that if you pour petrol over your head, the fumes extract the toxins and oils and stuff and clear up your skin. I suppose it might work, all that evaporation might actually exert a little pressure, not to mention the osmosis side of things…_

_Ahem, anyway, Luxord decided to do just that. After coughing for a year and a day, the results of which left him smelling like the kind of man a car dreams about running away with and having Naughty tailpipe adventures with, Luxord found himself with nothing to do._

_And the idiot didn't do something normal, like train or read or play Pantyraids on Larxene's room. No, the stupid git had to go and fry up his favorite snack, Bubble and Squeak, which is basically fried up veges and sauce, quite nice. I stole his leftovers once, and my gut has been killing me ever since, but now I know, and knowing is half the battle!_

_Now: Frying. Frying ain't so bad, right? Well, We use Gas stoves, something about making this castle 'Environmentally friendly'. Gas stoves equal open flame. Open flame plus petrol equals boom. Open flame plus man soaked with petrol plus grease and unwashed cloak equals smoking crater with large hole through several walls ending with zitface faceplanted in Larxene's ho-hum region. Only bit of luck that guy ever got, except for the armour-piercing slap he got after that. Coma'd for three days._

_Still, it blew off his pimples._

_And his hair… eyebrows… cloak… bits of his flesh… yeah. Ow._

_Oh, and there's another thing, he isn't even a gambler by trade, before he came into our fold, Mr Join-the-dots only dealt with one thing even remotely papery were… well… stamps._

_Yes, that's right. Luxord is a nerdy Stamp-collector. He even sorts them according to value, how chumpy can you get?_

"As chumpy as 50,000 Gil in the hand from one deal, Number Nine." Luxord smirked as he watched, amused.

_And he listens to Progressive Metal while he does it! Come on, how nerdy is air-guitaring to 'Through the Fire and the Flames' while looking at a Three cent stamp from Hollow Bastion's fiftieth Jubilee? I mean, he even makes his stamps into a guitar and rocks out on the table, that's… huh, that's actually kind of cool._

_Anyway, he would use them in battle but for two reasons, one is that he thinks they're too valuable, two is that once he licked one of them in practice and slapped it onto Larxene's shaky-bakey regions. I won't tell you where she shoved the rest of them, but it rhymes with 'Cup Mrs Grass' and it ruined the entire book. Not that I'm concerned, of course._

_So, that about raps up the dirt on Luxord. Oh, and Luxy-boy, don't cringe and make that card wall when we're about to pour a ten-gallon jug of whoopass on your five-gallon ass. It'll get you in trouble one of these days. We're only telling you because we care, alright?_

_Peace! Nocturne out!_

--

"Hey, Demyx?"

"Yeah, Lux?"

"Thanks."

…

…

…

"Huh?"

* * *

_Righto! Now, there's a poll up on my profile, check it out. And remember to click the link at the bottom of my profile, it's a great spoof of popular animes and pretty damn fun in the bargain. Oh, and review too, that would be sweet. Feel free to question me!_


	11. Hit somebody else's head as a baby

**Been two years. I'll finish this by the end of the month, hopefully.

* * *

**

_Marluxia, the pink fairy who wields gardening tools as weapons of Death and most definitely possesses a penis (Oi vay, does he ever!). Trust me on that. Penis. PINGAS. He's got one. It's not some kind of tumor, nor is it some kind of transgenderal transplant caused by Xaldin in one of his moods, nor is it anything like the time I got Sitar'd in the happysacks. Marluxia is male. He's a man, baby!_

"Was that entirely necessary?" Marluxia pondered to himself in the silvery brine. The images before him whirled in a maelstrom of flowers, more flowers, dead flowers, his past self standing stock still with his arms folded, glaring at the other idiots as they held a hosefight in the middle of his bedroom.

_But you know what the major problem is? He's a womanizer, a cat of high proportion if the term serves correctly. Every week, it's a new woman, and every week we only see her at the dinner table, and that's the last of it. We think he grows her down the back, or recycles them into compost, or maybe we've all gone completely batshit and it's all the illusion of our horny, pesky bodies? Are we so starved? Is Marluxia really the kind of man who would pull off such a thing?_

"Yes." Came the satisfied answer.

_Is he really so cruel as to show off his girls like that all the time, while we're stuck with the too-cute-to-sully Namine or the Too-psycho-to-even-ask-for-a-pencil Larxene?_

"Yes."

_Can one man really be so evilly-inclined towards his own gender?_

"Yes."

_Is it all an act in order to reassure us that he isn't gay?_

"Ye- what?"

_Is Marluxia parading his tail in front of us, only to imagine us naked at any given opportunity, to pretend that he really prefers the curvier gender?_

"Think of compost, nice, polite compost..."

_Case in point, I shall outline the points in the castle's life that highlights the true sexuality of Mr Pink! Case 1..._

The grey disolved into a scene at the breakfast table, where Marluxia was conspicuously without an escort (Xigbar was already redecorating the walls with pieces of hash brown and sausage), speaking about the new design layout to Castle Oblivion to an obviously not interested Demyx.

"... so I told him 'you naughty little thing, pastel blue was so _last_ destruction-of-all-the-universe, make it a bright white! Make it circular! Make it _nice-de-brouge, _make it lovely!'"

_Did you hear that?! Laaaaaaaarvuly! Gay: 1, Everything else: 0. Then factor in the love for interior design, that's Gay: 3, Everything else: 0._

"Lovely, grassy compost, smelling of a warm barn and wet hay..." The present Marluxia continued, feeling a migrane coming on. "Think of shoveling compost into Demyx's mouth, think of compost..."

The scene shifted again, this time to a demonstration area outside the Fortress of the World that never was. According to the dress-up, Roxas was playing Peter Pan with Luxord acting as the ever-piratical Captain Hook. Neither looked particularly pleased at the scenario, with Roxas eying his tiny dagger and Luxord already covering his face in bandages -the results of absentmindedly swinging Hook's sword around- and muttering about 'Damned impractical weapons'.

_Oh, this was fun. We were trying to find scenarios when both of the play actors you see here would be weakened and thus easier to... convert. As you can see, they aren't having much luck, what with emo-Mcemopants not liking his tiny weapon and Scruffy-McCardtrick having the grace of an ox. And then, just when you noticed somebody was missing, enter Marluxia..._

"I'm here, everybody!" Marluxia entered, wearing a _far, far too short_ green one-piece dress, with a pair of 2-dollar novelty butterfly wings taped to his back, waving a wand around and generally looking like he was enjoying himself. The others starred on in extreme disbelief (And in Larxene's case, nausea) as he pranced and giggled and declaimed just how _wonderful_ it was to be able to play Tinkerbell.

And then he dropped his wand, and bent over to retrieve it:

"OH GOOOOOOOODNOACK!"

"Tooooo much black leather."

"MY EYES!!"

"Bluueueuegh!"

_Gay: OVER 9000. Everything else: 1. Because hey, leather's manly._

_Peace! Nocturne out!  
_

–

It was only an hour later when Demyx heard a knock at his door. Opening it, he found Marluxia carrying a shovel, a large feed bag and one hell of a crazy grin.

"Marly-?"

"IT'S COMPOST TIME!!"


End file.
